Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical. Don't take it too seriously.
No shocking news here as the NCAA grants UNC power forward Kennedy Meeks an unheard-of ninth season of eligibility.
This is no surprise for an athletic program that time and time again finds ways to bend the rules and regulations set in place by the NCAA; however, eight seasons was fine, but nine? Unusual. People are starting to ask questions as to how Meeks has avoided graduation for a staggering eight straight semesters.
How old is Kennedy Meeks really? Did he see Beethoven live, or was he part of the Crusades? I’m about to tell you exactly how old Meeks really is. Let me take you back to a time before color television, before the internet.
“I thought that guy graduated years ago,” former African-American studies professor Felton Raymond said. “I retired from UNC in 1970, but that name does sound familiar.”
Raymond’s quotes peaked my interest into this situation, so I delved into an investigation of my own.
I immediately searched The Daily Tar Hell archives, what I found was absolutely shocking.
Scanning through past issues, I found Meeks with a fake mustache and glasses sitting in the stands when Michael Jordan, Sam Perkins and the almighty Dean Smith lost the 1983 ACC Championship Semifinals to NC State.
Surprised by what I saw, I went further back.
I discovered Meeks’ face many more times at parties on Franklin Street, basketball games in the Smith Center and even in some classrooms (the irony). The odd thing about Meeks was not that he was attending Tar Heel events, but it was his appearance. I found a photo of him in Harrelson Hall with a white beard. He was also wearing a monocle in Davis Library, suspenders in the Forest Theatre and riding in a horse-drawn carriage in front of the Old Well. This mystery continued to trouble me.
“Us seniors get a bad rep for staying in school so long,” said Perry Ellis, a longtime friend of Meeks and notorious old guy. “I came back for my senior year because I sucked at basketball, therefore, I knew I needed a major; I mean let’s be honest, I am not making a career out of basketball anyway.”
Ellis was right. It is harder for older college players to establish their draft stock versus the highly-touted freshman classes, but why would Meeks want to come back year after year? This still wasn’t explaining how old Meeks really is.
I was overthinking this. Meeks is staying for an unprecedented ninth college basketball season.
Meeks is basically the greatest basketball player to grace the best school in the entire world, so he is a definite lock for the NBA Draft. If he is truly the GOAT, why is he staying in school?
And that is when it hit me. Meeks isn’t getting older, he is getting younger. That’s the only way he is getting “better” at basketball, and increasing his draft stock. But how is he getting younger?
And that’s when it hit me. Benjamin Button. The movie, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” was about Meeks. Meeks must have been born as an elderly man without the ability to play basketball, resulting in his lackluster play as a freshman for the Tar Heels. As he progressed in school, he became younger. In his first season he averaged 16.3 minutes per game, and now, with a youthful physique and higher motor, he is averaging 23.5 minutes per game. His young age is allowing him to play more, increasing his mediocre stats to barely above mediocre.
While this loophole is working out for him now, Meeks is going to have a real problem on his hands come June for the NBA Draft. If, and that is a very big if, the power forward gets drafted, how long will he be able to sustain this run-of-the-mill play? Although he has sharpened his game over the last nine years, he is growing young fast. So if he is a ninth-year senior, in reality Meeks is 19 years old. He only has two, maybe three years left in professional basketball before he starts playing like a high school freshman.
Maybe he should have listened to Perry Ellis and gotten his degree instead of skipping class because “Baby Face” Meeks is going to be out of a job and back in the crib soon.